Day 15

Tonight I experience an unidentifiable, uncontrollable release…I wept and waled and I felt the strong presence of God. God is LOVE. The notes the children wrote to me filled me with joy, a heavy heart, and teary eyes. Will I abandon them like some of their parents? Will I provide them hope or hopelessness? Will I show them dreams do come true or that dreams are too good to be true? Did I help them find their voice or will that voice be silenced after I leave? I left a mark, but fuck a mark…what about consistency? Unconditional and sustainable love? What about people smiling with you and for you, not a hollow shell that shows teeth but don’t truly connect to those children. I don’t want to be seen as this impossible dream, this American queen some fantasy that can’t be attained…I want to show them that beauty can look like them, confidence can look like them, self love can look like them, talent can look like them, intelligence can look like them, fun and joy can look like them, that I look like them, I am them, they are me. Martha’s smile and burst of confidence, Catherine’s bright ideas and individuality, Nice’s intelligence and leadership, all of the girls and their smiles and the way they hug me, and look at me, and follow me. And, I love them too. My heart is filled with grattitude and utter Shangaa (shock and awe).

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